Vegas Bookie Offers Odds of Getting Covid-19

Las Vegas bookie, Carlito Shark, has calculated the odds of acquiring COVID-19. It is apparent that the official statistics are far from being accurate. Carlito’s research should give readers some comfort and encouragement.

If you have ever been to Las Vegas and you gambled at all, you know that the odds are highly favorable to the house. For example, if you play a double zero roulette wheel, the house edge is 5.26%. If you play basic blackjack strategy or play the pass or no pass line in craps you can get the house edge down to about 1%. And, slot machines, just write a check and go home.

With that being said, what are the Vegas odds of getting COVID-19? Carlito says that it totally depends on where you are and what you are doing. Some activities have a much higher risk factor while some others are much safer. 

Overall, for the average person, the chances of getting the virus is only 9.2%. Broken down that comes to a 25.9% rate for Democrats and 2.5% rate for Republicans.  The rate for independents varies depending on how they lean politically at any one time.

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Some of the safest activities to participate in are mass riots and demonstrations. For some unexplained reason, rioters in large groups immediately acquire a herd immunity.  This immunity seems to last indefinitely. 

In fact, since the pandemic gained speed in March, only 5 rioters have tested positive for the virus. So what did they do wrong that put them in danger? They were very passive and didn’t have the emotionally charged anger and hate required to kill the virus. They were the 5 peaceful demonstrators in the crowd.

One very high risk group are church goers. Even though some states restrict church attendance to fifty people or less or in some states to only ten people, still between 45.6% and 76.8% get the virus. Why the big spread difference in percentages? You may be shocked as to the reason.

After extensive surveys were completed statistics showed that generally speaking with some exceptions, the church denominations with the lowest infection rates were Presbyterians, Baptist, Methodist, Lutherans, and Catholics. The reason is that these faiths don’t sing very loud, at least not to the point that many can hear them. If you really want to cut your odds, go to a Kingdom Hall.

The highest infection rates were found among Church of God, Assembly of God, and other Pentecostal denominations. The reason for their higher rate is the fact that they sing loudly with great emotion and vigor, spewing the virus everywhere.

Professionals are now recommending, at least for the next three months, for people who are not physically or mentally impaired to attend at least one riot per week to build up immunity. They also urge worshipers to only go to churches with the lowest or zero infection rates, or preferably to stay home from church to prevent the spread of Covid while attending protests and riots.

Written by Ralf Barkimer

satire - noun — the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.

The Washington Exterminator is a satirical news website.

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