CDC Claims COVID 19 Can Enter Your Body Through Rectum

The CDC in Atlanta appointed a small of group of scientists and doctors to continue research and find a cure and reliable prophylaxis for COVID19. Their research over the last five months has greatly increased the possibility of an effective cure by the end of the year. 

During their research these same group of medical professionals made the uncomfortable discovery that COVID19 can enter an animal body, likely including humans,  via the rectum. Over the course of thousands of tests, the virus was absorbed into the bodies of rats and rabbits via their respective rectums. 

The question now is what would be appropriate safety measures to recommend to the President and his medical team concerning this new turn of events.  Due to the location of the human rectum, a mask won’t help. 

These discoveries, of course, puts a new light on possible ways to avoid absorption of the virus. What scientists don’t know at this point is exactly what do we do to prevent anal absorption. 

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One doctor on the team, Dr. Rick Mallory, proffered the possibility of requiring Americans to wear a sterile anal plug.  Decisions would have to be made as to when “plugging”  would be required and in what venues. Plug dispensers would have to be installed in public restrooms and businesses and that would be costly.

Sanitary disposal systems would also have to be developed and quickly. If the virus is acquired through the anal passage, there is a likelihood of a quicker mutation into something worse than today’s standard virus.

We encourage readers to keep updated on new developments at www.upmine.com. 

Written by Ralf Barkimer

satire - noun — the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.

The Washington Exterminator is a satirical news website.

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2 Comments

  1. That problem would seem to only affect Moo-lims when they use their left hand to clean themselves after a BM and a less that 1% minority that constantly tries to force their views upon the other 99+%!

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